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Whilst sitting through the Union's debate last week on 'This house believes Israel is blocking peace in the Middle East', it struck me that a 8-mile style rap battle would have made for a more engaging spectacle than the usual regurgitated dogma. An Eminem distillation of the assorted MPs, academics and law students might have gone something like this:
Opposers: We know you're sore, but hey, it was a defensive war, we're covered by international law, 1967, I'm no history bore, but these are the facts, don't distract, sit down you clown, if you can't stick it, shift it, walk out, lose your clout, like Arafat, the anti-Semitic prat, he lost it all at Oslo, no I'll take you later, too slow, Israel's a country by right, not fly-by-night, we exist, we'll resist, no UN obstructions, our neighbours all want our destruction., you're Holocaust deniers, look at the PLO's suppliers, Saddam, Syria, forgive my hysteria, but let me hear ya condemn the bombs, the shattered homes, all we want is security, peace for our children, return to prosperity, no negotiations with terrorists, we'll say it with temerity, I don't care if you hiss, you piece of hippie piss, no fear, we've made our case clear, you know your intuition, go with the opposition.
(Rapturous applause from J-Soc)
Proposers: You disappoint, now listen to me, you've missed the point, try this analogy: you take our house, treat us like louse, leave us the bathroom, and then just the bath, and when we try to preserve our tomb, we incur your wrath. You don't understand, it's underhand, so bland, take a pause, consider the cause, no hope, no economy, no one's fed, we're ushered like cattle through sheds, our leaders have all fled, you invade our towns, shut our way of life down, shoot our kids, bulldoze every village, though Geneva forbids, loot, torture and pillage, might doesn't make right, we can't fight, we have stones, you have US military loans, you're taking us for a ride, no right of return, we might as well burn, it's as bad as apartheid, Sharon's a cunt, (pardon my Hebrew), his foolish stunt at al Haram al-Sharif an affront to Moslem beliefs, so see-through, we start an intifada, we've got nothing to lose - nada, so if your conscience's worth an ounce, their argument's been trounced, let's hear some humane recognition, vote for the proposition.
Voices from the floor: Sod both your fixed views, why don't you watch the news, it's too late for blame, coming here only to hiss 'shame', no more lies, let's compromise, calm the emotion, get back to the motion, no more schisms, let's blame Britain, America and capitalism.
President: Thank you for those thought-provoking speeches. Let's all go the bar and get drunk.